it's been an incredibly exhausting few weeks. in an attempt to save a little extra money i am picking up too many shifts at work and overextending myself a bit. i know it won't last forever, and i am so grateful for that. but for now, i wake up every day feeling like i am coming down with something, like i am sick for sure, like i just can't make it through today with my eyes open. but i do. every day, i do. the last few days i've had a chance to hang out with people that i don't normally see anymore because of different reasons. i miss community so much i can't breathe. i miss connection and intimacy. aren't we made for that? what is there, without that? it is so refreshing and necessary for me to see people who are happy, content, living in intimacy and intention, and whos hearts are open and soft, kind and gentle. there are times when i don't even recognize the hard, rough, cynical person i've started to become. i have to believe i have control to stop this anytime. that i can choose so much more than i give myself credit for. i have the power to make the change. any change i want. i want to choose openness, kindness, intention. i want to see what is outside of me and not just what is going on inside of me. during an exercise in class yesterday, we had to sit across from someone for 4 minutes in silence. we just looked at each other. it was a much more powerful experience than i anticipated. we giggled at first, then almost instantaneously, we both dropped into this deeper, heavier place. we just kept looking at each other, tears running down our faces. the feeling of having someone see you, recognize you, understand you, even for a few silent minutes, is just too good. i remember how much i need that. i remember how much i need to be giving that to others.