the holidays

the holidays are coming...they are slowly but firmly warning us of their arrival, and soon they will be upon us! i have such mixed feelings about this. the joy i felt in this photo of being with close friends, bundled up and slipping and sliding on the icy sidewalk, was very real. i love feeling warm inside when it's cold outside. don't we all? but after a good weekend that warmed me on the inside, i left feeling a little ambivalent about the next few months. i am not sure i want to embrace them for what they are expected to be. i am not sure i want to even participate in something that often doesn't produce what it ought to, emotionally or materialistically. i am almost ready to step on the other side of the fence, and maybe pull up a chair, pour myself some tea, and watch the parade go by. if i can't be happy with myself, BY myself, then i won't be happy busying or overstimulating myself in hopes of achieving contentment or fulfillment. with that said, i am not sure i want to be anywhere for "the holidays" but with myself. just taking care of myself and responding to invites on a whim, or not. the interesting thing is, at this point in my life, nobody expects anything from ME during the holidays. but i expect so much from others. some of it i realize, and some of it slips under my conscious radar. i am not aware until i feel disappointed. i am determined to change that. it doesn't have to be a certain way. christmas doesn't have to be surrounded by a magnitude of friends and family to feel meaningful. if i can feel peaceful and content just being with myself, i think i'll be happy with whatever else falls around that.

i have been thinking about my dad a lot lately. a lot of that has to do with being in the same grad program that he went through 15 years ago. but i also just admire him. i want to be like him. i like how present and engaged he is in life for his age. i like that he doesn't pretend he's ok when he's not. i like that i love my dad, when i know that might be a rare thing to have.