tales of a life remembered

tonight i was strolling state street with my brother, and we were talking about change. more specifically, a certain kind of change that happens when we grow up and our lives get a bit quieter.
there was a time in my life when i was socially booked a good 6 out of 7 days a week, for nearly 10 years straight. i was involved in bible studies, home groups, girl's groups, college groups, young life, worship nights, leadership meetings, church, and the ocassional class at whatever college i happened to be attending. looking back, it's hard to believe i didn't crash and burn over and over at the end (or beginning) of every new season. i didn't even notice. it was all i knew and my life was padded on all sides with commitments and community. i thrived off of this kind of busyness. i got good at multitasking and filling every spare moment with the quality time with friends the group stuff could not satiate. i think back on these formative years with such strong nostalgia, i almost want to pull my blankets up to my chin and never leave my bed for the loss of what was.
but things change. i have changed. so dramatically and surprisingly i don't know if i could have ever recognized myself at 26 before. in my choice to trim down my commitments and quiet down my life, i inadvertently cut a lot of people out of my life as well. people that may not have been considered close friends, but collectively belonged to the "community" that i surrounded myself with on a regular basis. while it wasn't a devastating loss to not have these particular people in my life anymore, it WAS devastating to find myself alone. i've learned a lot about myself in this sort of schedule change, if you will. a lot of those things i listed in my previous entry. and to be honest, a lot of those things i need to keep to myself, for the sake of preserving the sacredness of my journey.
i really enjoy where i am at though. i love getting to spend evenings with my brother. i am so excited to start grad school in 3 days! i can't wait to learn all about how to help other people get through life the same way i had people help me get through mine. i lay in bed last night with my comforter bundled around me and listened to the whipping wind, thinking how strange a thing it is to feel fall in your bones.
i am happy with today. as fabulous or fucked up as it has turned out to be.