the journey to love

so much time has passed since i have set foot on this page, and so much has changed i can't stand it. today, right now, i am learning to live with a broken heart. all the plans and hopes and expectations i had for the remainder of the year and into the next are nowhere to be found. i was made painstakingly aware of my weakness and, as i noted in my previous post, my inability to love well. i failed at the one thing i was sure i was made for. i managed to break down the person i loved most, and now i live with the complicated pieces that remain. of course, everyone knows nothing is so black and white and good and bad. my mind is scattered with the most colorful and intimate memories that will no doubt define who i am and will become for the rest of my life.
but i struggle to make sense of who i am now, of who i thought i was and how great i thought i was. i am so much more boring, lazy, unmotivated, plain, and average than i want to admit.
and i am lonely, the ultimate deal-breaker. i got to taste companionship, love, warmth, and really just doing life with a best friend, and i am afraid my heart won't be able to really settle until i can love someone again.
and isn't that the best and only thing worth living for? i have at least figured that out, and i know i am a changed woman, for the better.
i am braver and wiser. i am more humble and more grateful. and i believe that next time, if there is a next time, i will truly be able to love so much better than i did in my first attempt.
and i guess there is something to be said about all of that. i guess in the moments when i can bear being alone, i can thank god that i really am not alone. for now it takes a small effort (some days a larger effort) to breathe, laugh and smile, but slowly but surely my heart is getting stronger, and i am taking care of myself the best i can.