last night i took d to a house in summerland that i was hoping to rent with a friend. when i got there, there was someone already in the house, apparently spending his first night in his new apartment. i felt so embarassed, mainly because i didn't realize how badly i wanted it until that moment!

my heart instantly started aching and didn't stop for hours. we sat and talked about my heart, talked about god, talked about love for a long time. i couldn't stop the tears, i just felt so heavy and it was hard to breathe. 

i'm not sure i have what it takes to love others well. i'm not sure i'm strong enough or sure enough. 

but i am told i am...i was told last night that god had something really special in mind when he made me. i am not sure how much of that i believe, but i will hold onto it, if only to feel loved so fully and completely and to make this ache go away.

and i did notice the stars, and the dotted oil rigs on the horizon, and the sweet salty air. and the comfort of a familiar voice and shoulder. somehow, in all of that, i felt god closer and more tender than i have in a long time.