new things

i'm not sure. it's new, it's mine. it's filled with my stuff. but it's so quiet. consistently quiet. i wake up in silence and go to bed in silence. ok, i'm sure. i love it. i love this. it feels good, and it feels like ME. it has already confirmed what i imagined it would be like in my old fantasies of having my own apartment. i never realized how much i crave silence. i used to stay up til the wee hours of the morning just to have those moments of knowing i was the only one awake in the house--as if those were the only hours that counted. now that it's silent all the time, i'm feeling this shift in myself and my environment. i don't need to stay up late just to experience those moments ALONE. i can sleep early and know for certain that when i wake up early i'll be alone as well. it's the simplest and weirdest thing, all at once.
it is lonely. i confess. but working 2 jobs is a sure-fire way to neutralize that one. but i look forward to the day i get to bring someone home to this.
am i needy? lately i suddenly feel the urge to know how my friends see me, to know how the people near me experience my company. am i annoying? am i funny? am i bland and boring? i'm afraid of that one.....i'm afraid i'm inadequate in too many ways. where and why does this insecurity come from? i'm no one's number one. that statement's been true for many years of my life, but in this season, it's extra true. i'm acutely aware of my friend's OTHER number ones. i'm sensitive to being forgotten. even for a week. this happened recently, and instead of fighting for her time, i withdrew. i held myself tighter and closer and decided i wouldn't be hurt first. i would not care, before i would let myself get hurt.
i avoid the silence around all of this--new apartment, distant friends, new season. i wonder what would happen if i let myself feel it, experience it, and live IN it instead of one step ahead of it?