hard stuff

i am struggling with such a powerful kind of insecurity today that surprises me. i have always been inclined to compare my life to other's lives, and wonder if i'm doing enough, being enough, living enough. it hit me smack in the face today, and i struggled--really struggled--to resolve it internally.
i've made clear choices for myself, choices to live a certain way, to work towards a certain goal, and to maintain a certain amount of comfort. i am not sure it's all right. i'm not sure it's the answer. i'm not sure what i really want, or if this is it.
i guess for now, it really is what i want. i love how perfectly placed i feel in my life right now. i left work today feeling really happy and really a PART of what is happening at that school. i love what i get to come home to, and the comforts i've made for myself. i really love my friends, and i really love having access to my family when i need them (which is not as often as you might think, living in the same town as them). i travel often and far.
so where is the point of insecurity? that i'm not traveling AS long, AS wildly, AS whimsically? that i don't have a partner in all this?
a ha. that might be it. i have lots of "loves" in my life, but it does take a bit of work to maintain this level of contentedness, alone. so there's one thing.
i think it's time i looked closely at what i am grateful for. i don't do it often enough. i don't do it, period. my life will become whatever i make it, and i'm the only one that can really control that. it's time i just let me be me.
grace is needed....