{my Grace necklace, made by syd}
today was split in half with counseling and massage. i spent the first part of my day in my role as psychotherapist, and the second part of my day in my role as massage therapist. usually these days are pretty exhausting. but for some reason today i was so totally present in my counselor role, that it kind of got me in this grateful and graceful
attitude.
being a therapist is a funny thing. kind of weird to a lot of people, and it's one of those professions that can never be black or white, so it leaves much to the interpretation and style of the people involved. it looks different for everyone. the most common misunderstanding is that we sit around giving advice all day. i'm sorry if this is what you believe. maybe it's time to toss that idea out the window. the first thing we learned in grad school (and we even took entire classes on this very thing) is how to listen. not to speak, that would come later. but how to listen, and be comfortable JUST. LISTENING. what a disorienting moment for those who imagined they were finally getting a degree that would allow them to give out all their amazing advice all the time.
there are parts of this that i struggle with, however. i have never been the type that retains information and can regurgitate it back in coherent sentences (ask anyone who has ever heard me attempt to give a presentation or lesson in front of class). i could never be a teacher, and i literally forget most of the information that i read. i couldn't tell you statistics, or explain to you the neuropsychology of emotions and memory and pain and trauma, and where it gets stored in our bodies. i can't remember that thing i read in that book one time about what to say to someone who tells me she feels she has a sexual dysfunction. basically, i feel inadequate a lot of the time, because although i think i do really well at the JUST LISTENING part, i still feel like i need to provide more. i still feel like if i can't provide them with my empathic and genuine self AS WELL AS some hard, cold facts and sound statistics to go along with it, then i am falling short.
i am getting more and more clients, and absolutely love the people i get to work with in session right now. they are all so real and honest, and interesting and beautiful. i don't get scared anymore, i don't even stutter when i speak in session anymore. but i certainly don't believe i am better than my clients. i don't even believe i know more than them, either. i just happen to read different books than them, and spent a largely concentrated amount of time talking about people and feelings. and somehow this seems to be enough to carry us through our sessions. i am learning a lot from these people. during an initial session today with a woman in her 40's, she asked me what i thought i could do for her, and how i felt i could actually help her. she wasn't criticizing me, it was a genuine question that she asked through her teary eyes. i didn't even hesitate as i told her how i would listen, and explore with her, and dig deep in search of that bit of strength we both know she still has. i don't know if it's enough. and i don't even know if i can help her at all. but i realized in that moment how much i really do believe in the power of therapy, and giving people space to share their stories. sometimes it is the ONLY place in their lives that they can actually do that.
i still think my biggest (and possibly only, yikes) strength as a therapist is just being able to be with someone really well. i get to be curious without an agenda or judgment in mind. i left the office with my heart beating faster and my cheeks flushed with life. that's how i know i was really present with my clients today.
kind of long winded, but i had 5 hours of monotonous effleurage in silence tonight, and spent it thinking about what i will wear to graduation, and all of this. (i didn't think the grad outfit was exciting enough to merit a blog post)
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