pretty

pretty has been on my mind. more specifically, what being pretty means, and how so completely different BEING pretty and FEELING pretty are....i spend a lot of time trying to make myself pretty. i exercise to feel better about myself, but also because i think it will make me look pretty. i cut my hair (twice a year) in a style that i think will make me look the most pretty (and i usually never achieve the level of pretty i am going for) and i have taken a liking to makeup and heels, because i think they are so pretty. i also spend a lot of time comparing myself to pretty girls. maybe even more time than i do trying to make myself look pretty. i am fascinated by pretty. all around me. i've struggled immensely with insecurity and doubt around myself and what i have to offer, both physically and otherwise. recently, i've begun to discover some of what i have to offer, but only in a very limiting way, that doesn't feel very well rounded to me. i know that being pretty is much more than knowing the right words to say, knowing the right way to move my body, and knowing how to only show the BEST parts of myself. that's more of a fake-pretty, if you know what i mean.
there can be pretty in flaws, right? there has to be! so how do i/we go about embracing our flaws when we are so ashamed to show them to other people? i don't really know. it will always be reflex to hide them, protect myself from judgment, make parts of myself secret. but i find that i feel the most relief and the most safety when i can show all the parts of me, and that someone still finds me pretty....and that i can also feel good about myself and trust that i am not repulsive to the world.
i think what i've decided and learned, is that being pretty means feeling so good about myself that i can't WAIT to be able to take myself on a date. just me. asap.