nostalgic

i am missing things. people. memories....
it all started when i went to my dad's house to try to find some old massage paperwork, and i ended up sprawled on the ground of my old bedroom pouring over old photoalbums and letters and journals. for those of you who don't know, i have journaled like a fiend for most of my life. i have hundreds of journals, all filled from end to end, and stuffed with papers and notes and other random bits of my life from that time. i can't even begin to describe the feeling i get while looking through all of this. it's a hot/cold thing. literally. my body heats up and i blush and just kind of get excited, and then i get this cold grip on my heart, reminders of what was. i was a creative teenager, apparently. i don't really remember that when i think back on who i (think i) was. but i drew, i collaged, i collected, i wrote stacks of poetry and stories and somehow figured out that it would be important to really imprint that time in a permanent way.
i am SO glad i did. it pleases me to no end to see what a bright and sensitive and beautiful teenager i was. now, much of this extended out into my 20's as well, but things tended to get a little more complicated as time went on, and i am not far ahead of that enough to feel like it's beautiful.
i miss being surrounded by friends all the time. i miss singing every day. i miss having parents that are still married and a home that feels safe and permanent. i miss my young, hopeful, tender heart. i miss the surprise i felt when i discovered a boy liked me, and i still hadn't kissed a boy yet (this cute little feeling kept on until i was 22...cute). i miss carrie. i miss when all my friends weren't married and i still had more access to them. i miss summer camp. and winter camp. and mexico trips. and not having to pay rent. and the days when i didn't own makeup or a hairbrush. i miss my ex boyfriend and the sweetness of that first relationship, tremendously.
i could go on and on, but it's all basically the same. this nostalgia for what was. i have a hard time focusing on the now, or even the future. my heart and mind is obsessed with memories and experiences past. i would love to have more hope and vision for my life, but i still get stuck on the sweetest and most tender parts of myself and my life...from the past.