somewhere along the line, i went from this:



to this...i'm ready for a fight!






just kidding. but i sure was a happy kid. i've been spending some time thinking about family lately and i realize how much it has changed drastically. i never could have imagined the kinds of conversations i am having with my mom and dad now. it almost makes me cringe the level of honesty that runs in my blood. there is no doubt about that part of me being completely and entirely a product of nature and nurture both. i can't fight it, i won't ever be able to be anything different than that. it's a little bit scary to learn the things that are unchangeable in me. the things that happened when i was a kid that shaped me in ways that i may never be aware of. therapy is where this all comes to surface; the process of unraveling and revealing the shit that we'll never be able to change, but can heighten our awareness around it. which, at times, can honestly feel totally useless and so completely unproductive and stupid. so why am i choosing to be a therapist, again? because i want to torture others the way i was tortured. or....because i believe in the process. and it sure is stupid sometimes. and it definitely is hard all the time.
today in school i got to listen to four people talk about what it's like to live with schizophrenia, bipolar, and other severe disorders that take reign and control over their thoughts and actions and sanity. i am CONSTANTLY in a state of humility and breaking over and over again, of any judgments or notions, or thinking i know what's best for others. i tried hard to hold it together as i was listening, but wished i could cry for their suffering freely. and those stubborn tendencies..there is no room for that in my life these days. i am surprised by my settled spirit. unlike the agitated me in the picture above, most of the time i am a lot more quiet inside. i am not thrown off course by hearing things i don't want to hear, or being challenged in stupid therapeutic ways (didn't say i am not thrown off...just not off the entire course). i feel the way i'm much quicker to listen, a bit slower to talk. a bit.
i will say, though, that i am getting restless. i spend too many nights alone. when i'm primed for it, it's perfect. perfectly lovely. but a lot of nights i am just plain lonely. i realize it makes people uncomfortable to hear that. no one knows what to say to a lonely person. they try to reassure, fill the empty space, change the subject. but it's just what it is. you don't have to worry about me. i'm as resilient and hermit-like as they come, so i'll be fine. but the restlessness perseveres. there are too many things i am starting to want, and so many things i aching to put into practice. i think i will leave it at this.
in the meantime, i will continue cooking enough to feed an army of one, and enjoying my singleness while i have it (note cliche, sarcasm, etc).