starting all over

yep. ALL over again. and again. my heart seems to be resilient and i feel like a cat that has nine lives sometimes. my pain threshold is high, because i've made it that way, but of course, as with anyone, there is ALWAYS a limit to what i can handle. recent events have left me hanging by a thread...the bad news coming a year later than i always imagined it would, meaning i am a year "late" in this part of my process. is there another way to look at it? is there another way to go about it? when i started this whole process last year, i had no idea i would be so stubborn. i had no idea how hard i would make it for myself to grow and learn and move forward from the past. turns out i hate change as much as i always have. it feels like i've lost important parts of myself, too. the parts that kicked into gear when they could sense i was falling apart. the parts that felt like emergency mode when i couldn't stand to breathe or eat. the parts that still wanted to write, read, walk, be alone, even in my darkest times...i am terrified of the loss of those parts. BUT i have a suspicion they are not gone for good. like emergency generators when the power goes out, maybe they know the power hasn't gone out yet. that gives me some hope.
i will confess a secret: you know how some people turn to drugs, alcohol, cutting, eating, destructive personal habits, when they are flailing? i do something different, but equally as empty and destructive. i shop. and return. shop and return. i learned a long time ago to save receipts. i'm not sure why, but there's something comforting about having something new. something unworn, unblemished, new and clean, to add to my life. and when i wake up the next day just a little more aware than the last, i am glad i kept that receipt.
so here's to a new day. full of impossible fear and dread, unmatchable loneliness and hopeless. but a new day, nonetheless.