some days i compose blog posts in my head, but they rarely make it out of my head and onto my blog. life has been taking some fast swirling turns lately, and i'm struggling a little to keep up.
i don't even know how to adequately express how lucky i feel to have so swiftly moved into a new job/profession/opportunity. it happened fast, and the learning curve has been (and still is) steep--like straight up vertical steep. but i also feel very alive, and very engaged in my life. hard not to do when you are sitting in a room with 6 teenagers staring at you, expecting you to be present and prepared and available in that very moment. oh, how i'm learning!!
sure, new jobs are exhilarating and exciting and NEW. but my wanderlust has taken on a whole new appetite. just as i've committed myself to SB for at least another year (maybe more if i choose), so many of my closest friends are moving elsewhere. i want to be with them! i want to follow them! i want my own adventure! i have to admit to some jealousy of their bravery and courage. wearing a new color lipstick doesn't quite feel so courageous to me. but i am afraid. people--i am scared!! i like to fool all of you by traveling the world, buying motorcycles and going to grad school on a whim. i know i had you fooled. and now i imagine all of you sitting here (all one of you? who even reads this?) with your mouths open in shock and awe of my fear. it's true! i promise! i admire the courage and the confidence of my friends.
i am also afraid of being forgotten. who isn't? being single as long as i have doesn't exactly breed confidence in my ability to leave a lasting impression. of course i don't think my friends will forget me, and never speak to me again. but i anticipate the SPACE that will build between us.
i am also keeping private some simple (and maybe obvious?) feelings that may or may not set me free if i were to speak them out loud. i've never been one to keep thoughts to myself that are intended for someone else. but i guess i must feel like i have to in this situation, or else i would have said them already!
i'm sitting in a chair in my sun filled backyard, feeling the sweat drip down my belly. i am content here, and i need to remember this! i cannot depend on others to make my "home". home must be wherever i am.
1 comment:
Catherine, I think you are amazing. I love the way you write things. Always so well said. Thanks for being a great example to me of a strong woman of many talents and interests that is still single. Makes me feel not so a lone. Hope to see you again soon.
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