sink or swim

i sort of feel like i am doggy paddling but my arms are getting tired, and i almost don't care if i swallow water....because at least i can rest. down, down, down....
i am seeing a lot of counseling clients these days. more than i ever anticipated i would at this point (nearly 10 a week). last night, i found myself sitting in a room in an empty building, with a woman who had heroin coursing strongly through her veins. she couldn't stay awake for me, couldn't stay coherent, and folded into herself as she told me her life was falling apart and she just wanted to feel better. the packet of intake questions suddenly felt so dumb. i just looked at her and told her i know. i'm sorry. and i promise she will feel better when she quits the heroin. i'm sorry, it sounds so hard....
i spent an uncomfortable amount of time asking her about her suicide attempts, if she had plans to kill herself, how she would do it, if she was at risk for doing it tonight, how much she thought about it...the kinds of questions you don't imagine ever having to ask someone. but unfortunately, i'm learning it's going to happen a lot more for me. i sat in the office after she left (and i said a short prayer that she would make it home alive) and just breathed. sometimes i forget to breathe, especially lately. i catch myself holding my breath. so i just breathed. my heart swelled and ached at the same time. i love this. in a way, i love the pain and the breaking. but it isn't all sad. there are also angry men, defended and proud, irritated and gruff. perfectly poised girls, unwilling to share how they really feel. so much variety, and so much life. all of them are so alive.
for the first time in quite a while, i feel like i can actually do this. maybe even do this well.
when all is said and done, and at the end of the day i still can't concentrate, i know there's so much more going on. i feel disappointed in myself for some personal choices i've made. i feel bad that certain guys aren't treating me well...but just as bad that i made choices that created it. i'm feeling the consequences of my actions, and am just trying to walk with as much grace as possible, at the same time giving myself as much grace as possible.
it's a journey, after all...am i getting any of this right?